


Earth is Space Australia

by undercover_chicken



Series: DC Earth is Space Australia [1]
Category: Green Lantern (Comics), Justice League - All Media Types, Young Justice (Cartoon)
Genre: Gen, Space Australia, Superman is a plant, The Author Regrets Everything, alien invasions, everything but the kitchen sink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-16
Updated: 2017-09-16
Packaged: 2018-12-30 09:32:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12105801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/undercover_chicken/pseuds/undercover_chicken
Summary: Green Lantern Hal Jordan finally finds out why Earth has so many alien invasions.





	Earth is Space Australia

**Author's Note:**

> This slapdash piece of trash is based off [this post](http://punishandenslavesuckers.tumblr.com/post/149725687406/space-australia) by the talented starkraving, as well as some of the replies to it. To compare my writing to theirs is like comparing a child's fingerpainting to the Mona Lisa, but I digress. This has literally been knocking around in my head for the last five days and would not leave.
> 
> I have very, very loosely based this in the Young Justice universe, but there is everything but the kitchen sink in here-I've pulled from what I've watched of several animated GL movies, the animated JL and JLU series from the early 2000s, the Young Justice cartoon, the Justice League: The New Frontier Movie, and the minuscule amount of comics I have read.

It begins in 1998, when a superpowered alien plant from a dead planet begins saving cats from trees and pissing off the local billionaire in Metropolis. Only a year later, rumors came out of a monstrous bat that haunts the dark alleys and rooftops and terrorizes the scum of Gotham. And then suddenly the bad guys weren’t just some mook robbing a bank-you had psychopaths dressed up like clowns running around in Gotham and evil alien computers trying to shrink the Earth and preserve it in a bottle and every other superpowered freak and their mother robbing banks. Superheroes began popping up like daisies, and you couldn’t turn on the news without hearing about some weirdo in a party costume saving the day again from an even weirder idiot in an even uglier party costume.

Hal Jordan could have cared less about this, as he had just been honorably discharged from the Air Force and learned the most difficult battle yet was coming home and fighting against the PTSD and depression that came along with it. He was, however, lucky enough to have his sometime-girlfriend Carol, who gave him a job as a test pilot working at Ferris Aircraft. The job suits him fairly well and in two years he has started to drag some of the shattered scraps of his life together in a facsimile of some normality when a dying purple alien gives him a glow-in-the-dark ring and he becomes an intergalactic space cop.  
If being a man who straps himself in an unproven tin can of death that may fly, crash, and/or explode into a fiery ball of hell daily suits Hal, being a cop who could fly at incredible speeds through space and beat up intergalactic bad guys with a giant glow-in-the-dark hammer suits him even better. After dealing with Sinestro’s betrayal to the Corps and the fallout, the Green Lantern of Sector 2814 manages to make a name for himself as one of the greatest Green Lanterns, and as the Corps’ first human Green Lantern.

Hal never thinks to question the Guardians as to why he is the first human to be chosen, or why, up until he the ring chose him, that the general public on Earth didn’t know about the Corps but had known aliens existed since the days of the JSA. 

***

Hal gets labeled as a “superhero” due to his colorful uniform and seemingly magical powers, even through he’s actually been deputized as a police officer (albeit as an intergalactic one) and is not a vigilante like others. He usually just hangs around his home of Coast City while on Earth-he’s heard things about how territorial some of the other folks can be if you trespass in “their cities,” and as powerful as the ring is, he doesn’t feel like stepping on anyone’s toes. While Hal knows that he is be impulsive, he has seen Superman on TV and has no doubt the alien plant-man could easily punt him into the sun, and only a complete fool would tangle with the Batman. Rumors fly, with some of the tamer ones being that he is either a vampire or some sort of superpowered man with bat DNA spliced into his own. No matter what his deal is, he is dangerous. Hal may be hot-headed and reckless with little fear, but even he has some sense of self-preservation.

Anyway, Hal tells himself, his main job is deal with threats that come from other planets that may threaten his sector. He tends to let anything that happens on Earth be dealt with by the other heroes, and retreats into space. When he’s in places other than his home planet, he is someone-the first human Lantern, the guy who single-handedly defeated Sinestro and saved the Corps and millions of lives. Back on Earth, he’s just a faceless one of billions in the crowd. It also helps that the busier Hal makes himself, the more it helps stave off the bad memories and some of the depression. The other people can handle the messes on Earth-he has deal with bigger threats, Hal continues to tell himself. As the weeks turn into months and the months into years, the disconnect grows. He quits his job at Ferris Aircraft and retreats even further, hiding his problems under an increasingly reckless demeanor even as he throws himself at anyone stupid enough to threaten his sector and home planet, gaining yet more mastery over the ring and furthering his galactic reputation.

It’s two years after he receives the ring that he finally meets one of the costumed crusaders face to face for the first time. While tracking down some illegal tech, it somehow ends up in the hands of some of the crazies over in Central City. Hal and the resident hero, the Flash, team up against the Rogues to get the tech, which happens to be some sort of alien death ray (something that Hal finds himself dealing with far too often), without getting totally obliterated. They work surprisingly well together, with Hal acting as the distraction and the Flash zipping in at the last second to grab the ray device from whatever-the-Rogue’s-name-was. Flash is a genuinely friendly guy and Hal finds himself liking the man despite himself.

A week later Hal Jordan joins Barry Allen for a couple of drinks. A few months later and Hal is joining Barry and sometimes his girlfriend Iris West for dinner and the occasional drink. They talk about their work as officers and as heroes, and eventually of their past experiences. Barry speaks of his dad’s wrongful imprisonment following his mother’s death and his efforts to prove his innocence, and Hal in turn speaks of his experiences in the Air Force and his resulting PTSD and depression. While it is no means close to a cure, Hal’s feet are back on Earth, and the disconnect between him and Earth grows smaller. 

***

It’s 2003 and the Appellaxians are invading the Earth as part of some age-old ritual to determine their next leader or some bullshit. Hal doesn’t particularly care about their reasoning for invading since he is so far out of his depth here it’s not even funny. He feels a bit miffed- he wasn’t even the first person to respond even though this is supposed to be what he is responsible for. He was the fifth person to respond to the mess, after Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman, who is both the hottest and yet most terrifying woman Hal has ever met. Thank goodness that the fourth person to respond was Barry, because Hal would have had no idea how to even approach the others.

They are later joined by a Martian and an Atlantean, and manage to defeat the Apellaxians. The crazies are forced back off world, and the seven superheroes emerge victorious. When another alien invasion comes a few months later led by an escaped starfish-like alien that takes over peoples’ minds from Superman’s Fortress of Solitude, they team up again. It becomes more and more attractive to team up, as it makes things easier, and anyway, it’s sort of nice to not have to face your enemies alone. Unfortunately, their enemies figure this out as well and start teaming up themselves, making allying themselves more of a necessity. A few months later the Justice League is formed, and Hal finds himself a member.

It’s then that Hal realizes that Superman may be the most powerful being on Earth, but he’s also a somewhat dorkish farmboy from the Midwest. Wonderwoman and Aquaman, while they talk like someone from two centuries ago and can be a bit overbearing, are some of the most loyal friends imaginable. Barry is Barry, and the J’onn, while reserved, is also decent. Batman is probably the scariest but also the most surprising-he’s not a vampire, but nothing more than a man in a bat costume with nothing more than his skills and brilliant mind. And somehow, he still manages to scare the shit out of the worst supervillains, demand the respect of most of the League, and generally kick ass.

The next few years bring more inductees to the League, and more supervillains to fight. Life, as always, continues. Alien invasions also become more frequent.

***

“I thought it was one Lantern per sector,” Barry comments one day while sitting and inhaling enough food to feed four people in the mess in the Hall of Justice. Five years have passed, and they have upgraded their headquarters from a mountain outside of Happy Harbor to a freaking space station. Turns out Batman is also Bruce Wayne, who is literally swimming in money, and who can totally afford a space station and to pay most of the Leaguers who need it some sort of salary. Hal doesn’t ask but it does make things easier. Exchanging the standard currency on Oa out for Earth dollars had been a nightmare.

“It is,” Hal replies, not sure what Barry is trying to get at. He realizes then that Barry is looking over towards John Stewart, a former Marine turned architect who has just been inducted into the League and who has been a Green Lantern for almost a year. “Jordan just hasn’t been assigned to his sector yet, I guess. I don’t understand half of what the Guardians do, but they always have sort of reason, even if half the time it sounds like mystical bullshit. I’m sure he’ll be assigned somewhere soon. I wouldn’t expect him to remain on Earth much longer than another year.”

Hal doesn’t hate Stewart, but he doesn’t like him much either. Stewart is a little to straight-laced for Hal’s tastes, and also flies around without a mask. Hal can’t imagine that, not being able to separate his civilian and superhero identities, but to each his own. Stewart is a good guy, and the ring chose him for a reason.

“Well, that’s a shame. It’s certainly handy having another Lantern around, especially with all of the alien attacks we’ve been having over the last year,” Barry replied.

Hal does have to admit that fighting the aliens that seem to have taken an interest in Earth lately has been much easier with Stewart around. Regardless of his feelings towards the man, he will be missed when the Guardians reassign him.  
***  
Two years later and Stewart still hasn’t been reassigned, and to top it off, there is a third Green Lantern on Earth. A trainwreck of a man who has an even bigger ego than Hal and is just a general asshole, both Hal and Stewart can both agree that Guy Gardener is definitely not a good candidate to join the League. Stewart has been inducted onto the council of the League, which Hal has no problem with. Both he and John immediately shot down any suggestion of Guy joining the League, especially after the debacle where he accidentally destroyed a culturally significant artifact in Khadaq and angered not only the locals but also the ancient, vengeful spirits that watched over it. And the mess with him destroying Doc Magnus’s lab and half his work on those robots of his. And the inexplicable fiasco with him, Superman’s dog Krypto, and Lex Luthor’s atomic vacuum cleaner. 

Recently woken out of a coma, Guy apparently had become a Lantern the year the League was formed, even before John became a Lantern, but never got a chance to actually use his ring or be trained by the Corps. He’s a man with a chip on his shoulder and everything to prove. Determined to prove his worth as a Green Lantern to the League, it makes him a wildcard that doesn’t work well in a team.

When Hal returns to Oa for training, he finally confronts the Guardians on the issue. Why in the hell does Earth have so many Green Lanterns when there is supposed to only be one per sector? And why were they stuck with Guy, a Lantern who has so far received absolutely no training whatsoever?  
Ganthet finally offers a solution after much pressing. Earth was constantly under attack from powerful alien civilizations, he told Hal, and more Lanterns were needed in Sector 2814 to help balance it out and retain order. The situation on Earth was far too much for one Lantern to handle without neglecting the other planets within his sector. There were complaints from some of the other planets, most notably Ungara, within 2814 that their Sector’s Green Lantern (i.e. Hal) was not doing his duties to other planets and only focusing on Earth, so the Guardians rectified the issue by choosing two other Lanterns to help with those duties.

Even though Hal isn’t completely satisfied with the answer, he nonetheless gets a promise from the Guardians to get Gardener into training, and hopefully away from Earth for a little while. As he leaves, the Guardians return to discussing the recent threat of Bolphunga the Unrelenting after his recent battle with Mogo, and the rising threat of the Imperium.

A week later, Bolphunga crash lands on Earth demanding a fight, until Superman drop-kicks him halfway across the galaxy.  
Three months later, the Imperium invade Earth, and it takes the combined might of the entire League and the help of the newly formed Young Justice team to fight them off. 

Then it’s the Antolians, who end up falling deathly ill from rhinovirus, of all things, and many die before their ships even enter Earth’s orbit. Some of their scouts apparently contracted the virus and carried it back to their ships. They simply turn around and return to their territory, with most of their greatest warriors gone. The League, thankfully, doesn’t have to intervene.

More alien attacks follow, with greater frequency than ever before. And always, Sayd will say with a shake of her head, “So much trouble from one planet,” before turning back to discuss the newest threat to the Corps with the rest of the Guardians.  
A week later, the threat they were discussing attacks Earth.

***

Six years later, and Hal is almost forty. The depression and PTSD is still there, but it has become more manageable since he has gotten some help. The inclusion of Black Canary in the League had been an absolute godsend. There is also the fact they are so damn busy. There are alien attacks every other week now along with the normal shenanigans of the Terran villains. Hal feels tired, but has no thoughts of retiring. 

There’s also a fourth Lantern on Earth now. Kyle Rainer fits the “starving artist” stereotype almost scarily well, but he is a gifted Lantern and shows great promise. His altruistic and grounded personality hides a mischievous streak that is a refreshing change from John’s uptight and colder personality and Guy’s brashness and ego, and contrasts well with Hal’s arrogance. After the mess with the Reach invasion where the Young Justice team more than proved their worth as full-fledged League members, they need all the help they can get for the cleanup and the mess of invasions that come afterwards.

Guy Gardner is finally back from training on Oa and officially assigned to Sector 2814, and it’s nice to have the extra help. Kilowog and the others managed to knock a lot of the ego out of the man, but it still shows up, and Hal’s resigned himself to Guy always being a bit of an asshole, albeit one with a heart of gold. With Gardner back, Kyle is sent to Oa for training, but before he goes, he is officially assigned to Sector 2814, bringing the total number of Lanterns in the sector up to four. At this point Hal doesn’t even bother confronting the Guardians on the issue.

Kyle departs for Oa, and according to all reports, seems to fit in quite well on Oa with few problems. Compared to the reports that Hal had been hearing almost daily about the disaster that Guy had been, it’s almost…anticlimactic.

Hal’s attention on the newest report from Oa is abruptly distracted by yet another alien invasion.

***

After almost six months of working in his sector, Hal returns to Oa to report to the Guardians, and to check up on Kyle. When he walks into the Planetary Citadel, the Guardians are all gathered around Kyle, and surreptitiously exchanging what appears to be money with him and each other. Hal can’t hear what they are talking about, but he does hear the terms “Darkseid”, “Apokolips,” and “Intergalactic Thunderdome.”

One of the Guardians notices Hal and they immediately return to their usual positions. After a brief exchange, Kyle leaves the room and talk eventually falls to business, and the incident Hal witnessed earlier is quickly forgotten. 

Three days later Darkseid’s son Kalibak lands on Earth and challenges Superman, who then kicks his sorry ass six ways to Saturday. Kyle, who is on temporary leave from training on Oa and has returned to Earth with Hal, seems positively gleeful and won’t stop smiling. Hal then overhears Kyle demanding a very unhappy Booster Gold to “pay up.”

And it’s not the last time that Hal catches the Guardians, or even other Lanterns, surreptitiously exchanging some form of currency. All the instances Hal sees almost always coincides with some sort of alien invasion on Earth, which most Lanterns seem to have heard about even before Hal has.

It so happens one day a few months after the incident with Kalibak that Hal is sitting in the Dining Hall with Kilowog and Tomar Re, he notices a gaggle of Lanterns engaging in one of their suspicious money exchanges. When he brings it up to Tomar and Kilowog, Tomar says, “Oh, they are just betting on the outcome of Kalibak’s next battle with Kal-el of Earth. Kal-el is the favorite to win, of course.”

Kilowog laughs at the expression on Hal’s face. “We’ve nicknamed your planet the ‘Intergalactic Thunderdome.’ With your planet being the way it is, the Kryptonian buffed-up on yellow sunlight, and the metagene concentration, it makes for great sport. We’ve been sending every idiot who wants a challenge your way or enemies that are too much for the Corps to handle.”

The only thing that Hal manages to say in response is a choked “What the actual hell.”

Oblivious to his shock, Tomar puts in “With your planet being so tectonically active and having so many climate and weather extremes, along with highly dangerous wildlife and diseases, it’s a perfect way to conveniently get rid of dangerous criminals without engaging the entire Corps. Do you know how many galactic crises have been averted by sending the dangerous criminals to Earth? Absolutely hundreds! And if those aforementioned things don’t kill off or significantly weaken the threat, either you and the rest of the Lanterns of your sector or the juiced up Kryptonian and his friends will take care of it.”

“You do know that’s one of the reasons why humans were not allowed in the Corps for the longest time, right?” Tomar continues. “They are completely insane, and would have to be to survive on a planet such as yours. It wasn’t until Rayner showed up though the Thunderdome thing started, and I have to admit, it has been quite popular.”

“I can’t believe you people! What the hell is wrong with you?” Hal manages to finally force out. “There’s nothing wrong with my planet! Stop sending us your garbage!”

Kilowog slaps a sputtering Hal on the back. “Jordan, you live on a literal Death Planet! Why else do you think everyone always declines your invitations to visit during their leave time?”

***

The first thing that Hal utters when the next League council meeting is called is “Earth is Space Australia.”

“I’m sorry, I do not understand,” Wonder Woman says, while the rest of the Leaguers look at him in confusion.

“The Lantern Corps as a whole considers Earth a ‘death world’ for almost all other alien life. No one wants our backwoods, worthless shithole planet,” Hal says.

“That can’t be true. If our planet is so terrible and worthless, why are there so many alien invasions and extraterrestrial threats? Why would our sector have four Green Lanterns?” Superman demands.

“Because we’re Space Australia. The Corps sends the threats they don’t want here because they’ll either get wiped out by an earthquake or chicken pox or something. And if that doesn’t get them, they’ll get mauled by a badger or eaten by a giant snake or stung to death by bees or something.”

Superman, along with most of the other Leaguers, still doesn’t seem convinced. “What about Kalibak? What about the Reach? They were fine, and a major threat! I don’t see them being eaten by a bear or dropping down dead from the common cold!”

“Because they know the super-powered Kryptonian plant man and all of his buddies will get them if the death planet doesn’t first. They call us the Intergalactic Thunderdome for a reason. There are actually weekly bets on who will win each fight, the Justice League or the bad guys.”

“Make them stop sending criminals here! And I am not a plant!” Kal-el angrily replies, slamming his fist on the table.

“You photosynthesize sunlight to create energy, you are reactive to minerals, and your body is super dense yet you can fly. Therefore, plant.”

Batman has to call several times for order in the ruckus that follows.

***

It is several weeks later, right after another alien invasion levels part of Sacramento, California, that Batman quietly hands Hal a rather heavy envelope, and asks him to deliver it personally to the Green Lantern Z’pod. When Hal enquires as to the envelope’s contents, Batman says, “It’s the repair bill. If he doesn’t pay it, give it to the Guardians instead.”


End file.
